Welcome to Puente Antiguo
by goldenegg31
Summary: Night Vale changes its name to Puente Antiguo, and a hammer that no one can lift lands in the Scrublands… (The Thor movie written as an episode of Welcome to Night Vale.)


A/N: I don't own anything. Huge thanks to my beta, ElementalLiz. She also wrote the word from sponsors. Also, many thanks to misskusakabe on tumblr for suggesting the weather. When you get to the weather, it's Rain by Eivor. You can find it on youtube, since won't let me put the link in the fic. Sorry.

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The wind whistles through the branches of a tree. The tree holds worlds within it. The void surrounds it. There is a well beneath it. Its waters bring knowledge and it goes down forever.

Welcome to Night Vale.

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Listeners, I've got some bad news. The Apache tracker, you know, that white guy who goes around in that racist and inaccurate feather headdress designed by a five-year-old, has convinced the City Council to change Night Vale's name to Puente Antiguo. He says it's an old Apache phrase meaning "strong traditions". The City Council has already changed the sign by the road leading into Night - I mean, Puento Antiguo, as well as the carving of the town's name at the base of that tiki statue with the red eyes that glow at night. Still, I hope you'll join the protest outside City Hall because that Apache tracker is just awful and Night Vale has been the town's name for over two hundred years.

Carlos the scientist called earlier today. Isn't Carlos great? His hair is just perfect and when he called, his voice sounded like a fine red wine. Anyway, he says there's a new scientist in town! Isn't that exciting? He says that his name is Erik Selvig and that he was summoned here by Jane Foster, who's studying those weird atmospheric disturbances that have been happening at night. I for one hope he can help her; it's one thing for the school board president to emit light to wake up our children in the morning and quite another for strange lights to appear in the sky at night without any discernible cause.

Speaking of weird light, did you see that, listeners? I just saw the weirdest light through the window. It was kind of golden, but also greenish, as if it was so bright because it was sucking all the light out of the world for itself.

Intern Maryellen tells me that the school board just called to issue a statement that the school board president was not responsible for the weird light that appeared in the sky. They also say that they have no idea what caused it; that they have voted to change the grades A, B, C, D, E, and F to Porcupine, Glorious, Deadpool, R, Ni, and Jello; and that we should ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GLOW CLOUD.

I have also heard from John Peters, you know, the farmer, that a strange hammer has appeared in the Scrublands outside of town. He says that a bunch of people have tried to lift it, but no one has managed to so far. There's actually a bunch of people down there right now. They say they're grilling some hot dogs, so why not come on down with the kids? They're going to try to pull it out of the ground with a truck next.

More importantly, Carlos called me! Again! Carlos says that Jane Foster, that scientist investigating the weird lights in the sky, now thinks that the lights were some sort of portal to another planet. They left a strange pattern on the ground, but Carlos is still trying to figure out what it means. He says Jane Foster also just brought home some guy called Thor that probably came through it. He is apparently a blond man with very large biceps…Does Carlos like blond men with very large biceps? Listeners, I really hope blond men with very large biceps aren't Carlos' type.

Oh, I also reported something incorrectly earlier. I said that Carlos' voice sounded like a fine red wine, but it's actually more like creamy chocolate imported from Switzerland. We at Puente Antiguo Community Radio apologize for the error.

While I ponder all the subtle shades in Carlos' voice, let's have a look at traffic.

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In light of the increasing number of car accidents, the Puente Antiguo Department of Transportation would like to remind everyone to stay alert when driving. Yeah, we've all hit somebody wandering around for unknown and probably nefarious reasons in the middle of the night – I would like to apologize again to Clark Kent-Cross' family; I thought it was an actual sabre-tooth moose lion and didn't realize it was a costume until it was too late – but there's no excuse if it's the middle of the day. Keep your eyes on the road, people. The Department of Transportation also notes that people should be especially careful around schools and other places where pedestrians may not be alert. Only today, a patient leaving the hospital was struck by a van. Remember, folks, if someone's leaving the hospital, it means that the hospital's death panel has cleared them for continued living and it would be just awful if they were killed in a car accident. So drive safely!

This has been traffic.

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After a closed-door meeting with government agents of a vague, yet menacing agency, Mayor Pamela Winchell announced that the strange hammer in the Scrublands that no one can lift has been declared unknowable. You know what that means, listeners, don't go near it, don't talk about it, don't think about it, in fact, it's best to just pretend it doesn't exist. When questioned about the hammer, why it has been declared unknowable, and what the agency wants with it, Mayor Winchell simply glared at reporters and repeated, "UNKNOWABLE, UNKNOWABLE, UNKNOWABLE," until they went away. The hammer that no one can lift and that we will not mention again has been surrounded by the government agents of a vague, yet menacing agency, so in this case I'd advise all citizens to listen to the mayor and stay away. After all, what are vague, yet menacing agencies for, if not to protect us from unknowable things?

A representative from the City Council confirmed that many of the citizens who had attempted to lift the hammer that we're not supposed to talk about have been taken to the cells in the abandoned mine shaft outside of town, as they lacked valid hammer licenses.

The City Council's representative also said that the they have not been swayed by the protest to change the town's name back to Night Vale. To quote, "yeah, that Apache tracker's a racist idiot, but since his suggestion of 'Puente Antiguo' actually means 'old bridge' in Spanish, we decided to rename the town in honor of the old town drawbridge, which has managed to stay up for three days." Listeners will remember that the drawbridge revitalization project has run into a host of problems. So even though there's been some results after the twenty million dollar increase in the project's budget, there are still fears that the cost of the bridge will skyrocket again, since the builders have decided to use currency as building materials. I personally think renaming the town is very premature, and the protest outside City Hall shows no signs of abating. More on this story as it develops.

It's time for the community calendar.

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On Monday, a new exhibit opens up at the Children's Science Museum. It focuses on the many types of spiders you can find here in Puente Antiguo, including the brown recluse, black widow, and blood spider.

On Tuesday, it's that time of year again. Yep, the Renaissance Festival is in town. There are all sorts of fun activities, including archery. Don't forget to try the funnel cake!

On Thursday, why not attend the races against Desert Bluffs? Puente Antiguo's own Blue Wolves will be competing against the awful White Cheetahs from Desert Bluffs. And be sure not to miss the Junior League matches. Come and support the kids on our own Red Dogs as they battle Desert Bluffs' Green Wildcats! As always, players will be riding the animals teams are named after, so it's sure to be a lot of fun!

On Friday, wear gray or green.

And on Saturday, the Puente Antiguo History Society is holding a film screening of Captain America's newsreels.

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John Peters, you know, the farmer, called in to report an attack on the government facility surrounding the hammer that no one can lift that we're not supposed to talk about. He says that this attack happened just after the rain shower that began shortly after dark, despite the lack of any [CENSORED] in the sky earlier today. Apparently, he saw a man he described as blond and as having very large biceps beating up the government agents from a vague, yet menacing agency. The vague, yet menacing agency reportedly had an archer in position to shoot the man, but for some reason, the government agents from a vague, yet menacing agency allowed him to attempt to pick up the hammer. He was unable to and was taken into custody without more fighting.

We called the government agents of a vague, yet menacing agency for comments, but they refused to confirm or deny an attack on their facility.

I've also got an update on the town name change debacle. The protest outside City Hall has been steadily growing. Intern Maryellen is down there now and reports that Puente Antiguo's citizenry is deeply unhappy with our town's name change. She says that one citizen, who wishes to remain anonymous due to fear of reprisals from the City Council, says that it would have been nice to be consulted if they had to change the town's name and that there were better landmarks than the old town drawbridge to name it after, anyway. She also spoke to Marcus Vansten, who suggested we change the town's name to Vanstenstown. However, Intern Maryellen says that most of the protesters favor changing the town's name back to Night Vale.

Listeners, I'm getting another call from John Peters, you know, the farmer. He says that Erik Selvig just spoke to the government agents from a vague, yet menacing agency and that Erik Selvig left with the blond man with very large biceps who he saw attacking the facility earlier. Could this blond man with very large biceps be the same one that's staying with Jane Foster, that scientist investigating the weird lights in the sky? Did he really come through a portal from another dimension? Why did he think he could pick up the hammer that no one can lift that we're not supposed to be speaking about? And if he's not the same guy, who is he and why are there so many blond men with very large biceps in town? And what if Carlos likes blond men with very large biceps? What if he and Carlos get together? Oh no!

Listeners, I need to take a moment. While I pull myself together, here's a prerecorded message from one of our sponsors.

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Walking through the nighttime you pass that streetlight. You know the one. The one that constantly emits a low-pitched buzzing hum, and flickers and dies anytime you walk past it alone, but always stays on when you're with a group. It flashes once after it extinguishes, lighting the street like a camera flash, as if the streetlight were attempting to stay on, just this one time. And maybe it is. Maybe it is alive. Maybe all it really wants is you to come over and stand with it against the dark. But it goes out anyway, surrendering you to the dark, and the void, and the night. There are no stars where you are. The blackness of the void is all.

Stark Industries. Changing the world for a better future.

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Ok listeners, I'm back. And I'm sorry for my breakdown last night. Whatever my personal problems are, I'll try to be the professional radio host you expect from now on.

Old Woman Josie out by the car lot just called in to say that late last night she saw Erik Selvig and a blond man with very large biceps walking from the Scrublands to the Moonlight All-Nite Diner. She confirmed that the blond man with very large biceps is Thor, the blond man with very large biceps staying at Jane Foster's place. Old Woman Josie says that the two left the Moonlight All-Nite Diner early in the morning and headed over to Jane Foster's place. She says that they were very drunk and that their singing annoyed the angels who live with her.

Three men and a woman in medieval-style armor are currently walking through town towards Jane Foster's place. Remember, the Renaissance Festival isn't until next week, folks, but porcupine for effort!

Listeners, I've got some bad news. The old town drawbridge fell down again last night. The money that it was made out of just couldn't stand the rain. I hope this colossal failure makes the City Council see sense and rename our town, now that there clearly was not a good reason for the name change. I urge you to join the protest outside City Hall or to contact the City Council in the traditional way, by tying a piece of paper with your message to the leg of a pure white bird. Do not expect to get the bird bac—

Did you see that giant mushroom-shaped cloud coming down from the sky out by the Scrublands, listeners?

*ring*ring* Hello? Uh huh…Thanks! I will have a great day! You too! *click*

Folks, that was John Peters, you know, the farmer. He says that a giant metal alien death robot just emerged from the cloud I saw a minute ago! Apparently, there were government agents from a vague, yet menacing agency looking at a strange pattern on the ground when the cloud appeared and deposited the giant metal alien death robot in our dimension. Then it just started attacking them by sending bursts of fire out of its face!

You know, I think I can see something metal in the distance…is that…? Yep, that looks like a giant metal alien death robot to me… And it's heading right towards us, folks.

I'd recommend that listeners proceed in an orderly fashion to the bomb shelters in their basements. Jane Foster, Erik Selvig, Thor, and Jane's assistant Darcy Lewis are attempting to evacuate the town. Isn't that cute? But there's no need to let a giant metal alien death robot run us out of town. There's plenty of fun activities in town coming up, like the Renaissance Festival and the races! Are we really going to let such a little thing as an alien attack stop us from beating Desert Bluffs in the races? I don't think so!

We at Puente Antiguo Community Radio certainly aren't going anywhere. We're going to stay here and give you up to the minute updates about what the - you know what, I'm just going to call it The Destroyer - is up to.

The Destroyer is now attacking Main Street. Who would have thought that the town would get attacked by a giant metal alien death robot before the people below the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex could finish their preparations for their war against us?

Oh. Oh, I've received some bad news. Most of the protesters outside City Hall made it to the bomb shelter safely, but Intern Maryellen wasn't quite so lucky and The Destroyer got her. We at Puente Antiguo Community Radio will miss her and we send our condolences to her family.

The people who I thought were early for the Renaissance Festival earlier have launched one of the three men at The Destroyer...and it knocked him aside. He seems to be okay, but that car he landed is pretty wrecked – oh, don't worry. It's Steve Carlsberg's car, so who cares?

Things are not looking good for the guy; The Destroyer is firing up. The woman has just leapt onto The Destroyer's back and put her sword clean through its head! Wow! What a stunning display of athleticism! And that's definitely a point for her. The Destroyer's head is now twisting around…is she going to make it? She's leapt off...and she's okay!

The Destroyer's freed itself from the woman's sword and, I have to say, things are not looking good for our heroes, folks. They're all still alive, but it's 2-1 to The Destroyer. It just set several buildings on fire, including the one right next door to our studio. Good thing we paid for our 'Fiery Doom and Destruction' Insurance. I didn't think that would ever come in handy. Boy, was I wrong!

Another big hit for The Destroyer here; its flames just blasted three – that's right, three – of Puente Antiguo's defenders out of its way. I am on pins and needles here. And it's _another _point for The Destroyer as it blasts a diner one of the men was sheltering in. That's 4-1 to the Destroyer, for those keeping score down in their bomb shelters, and I'm just not sure that's a gap that they can come back from.

They've gone to a time out now. Everyone's taken cover and Thor's run up to the woman, who is hiding behind a car. They appear to be talking strategy, because, let's face it folks, our team's gotta make some big changes in the way they're playing if they want to beat this thing. Ooh, and The Destroyer's just blasted the car Thor and the woman were behind. That's a time-out violation penalty there, so The Destroyer loses a point. Thor is talking strategy with the three men right now. They, as well Jane Foster's team of scientists, who stayed outside, presumably because they wanted ringside seats, as it were, are retreating.

Wait. That's interesting. Thor himself doesn't appear to be retreating. And now the others have stopped at the edge of the street, which appears to be out of bounds. The armed defenders are on the sidelines and they're sending out an unarmed man, folks! Certainly haven't seen a strategy like that in awhile! And not with a 3-1 score! I am on the edge of my seat.

Thor appears to be talking. They're right outside of the studio…let me see if I can hear this…Wow, Thor is The Destroyer's brother! Giant metal alien death robot genetics must be really weird; I'll have to ask Carlos later. Carlos will know. He just the smartest person ever, don't you think, listeners?

Thor's is now apologizing to The Destroyer, but he's not saying what for. Listeners, I think there's some backstory we're missing here. I don't know about you, but I feel like I just started a movie about 85 minutes in, you know, right before the climax.

Thor is now offering to sacrifice himself to save the town. And it looks like The Destroyer's not going to attack - OH that has got to hurt! The Destroyer just backhanded Thor and he flew halfway down the street! Jane Foster is running toward him and, yes, Thor is down. I repeat, Thor is down. The Destroyer is leaving. And it looks like the final score's 4-1.

Wait...Is that the hammer that no one can lift that we're not supposed to talk about flying through the air? It is! A bolt of [CENSORED] just erupted from the hammer towards a cloud in the sky. Thor is definitely up and he's making a uniform change, into similar armor to what the others are wearing. That [CENSORED] bolt is still lighting up the sky …and Thor's throwing the hammer and... Yes! Thor just hit The Destroyer in the head. 4-2! And the hammer just reversed direction and smacked The Destroyer in the _back _of the head! 4-3! Can Thor actually tie this thing up!?

The Destroyer fires and misses as Thor turns the cloud above turns into a whirlwind…Thor is flying up into it…I can't see him and I don't think The Destroyer can either, but there's another bolt of [CENSORED]. I think The Destroyer's sighted Thor, but it's getting hit by a bunch of debris and I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A TIE as The Destroyer's getting lifted up into the whirlwind! There's a bunch of fiery flashes from inside the cloud, but I can't see what's going on…something is falling from the cloud and IT'S THE DESTROYER. THE SMOKE IS GONE AND THE DESTROYER IS DOWN AND THOR IS STILL STANDING. 5-4 WIN FOR PUENTE ANTIGUO!

And now, the weather.

During the break, government agents from a vague, yet menacing agency arrived on Main Street. Thor spoke to one of them; presumably he was checking to see if Thor had a valid hammer license. And it seems like he did, since Thor picked up Jane Foster and they flew away towards the edge of town. The government agents from a vague, yet menacing agency packed up The Destroyer to ship it to a secret facility. I don't know about you, but knowing that thing is in the hands of a vague, yet menacing government agency just makes me feel so much safer.

John Peters, you know, the farmer, called again. He says that Thor and Jane Foster have been prowling around the site where The Destroyer first appeared. The rest of their friends have just arrived, as well. And, here's the best news, he saw Thor kissing Jane Foster! Thor's not into guys! Isn't that great, listeners? Even if blond men with very large biceps are Carlos' type, Thor's taken. That means he probably won't be interested in Carlos! I'm so happy. Hasn't it just been a great day?

Oh, hello. Listeners, a dead-eyed child has just appeared in our studio. He has red paint smeared all over his face. He's handing me a note from the City Council. Huh. Apparently they've decided to change the town's name back to Night Vale. The note says that in light of the invasion foiled just a minute ago, the name Puente Antiguo has been deemed unlucky. Anyone using the phrase 'Puente Antiguo' will be sent to the abandoned mine shaft outside of town. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say.

And there's another plume of smoke, presumably taking Thor and his friends back to whatever dimension from whence they came. We are not alone in the universe. Somewhere Thor and his friends and their giant metal alien death robot siblings are doing who knows what.

Stayed tuned for our biannual program _Foghorn Sounds_.

Good night, Night Vale. Goodnight.


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